Chocolate, Lust, and the Healing Power of Love

Sermon: Rev Gretchen Woods Sunday, February 15, 2009

CHOCOLATE COMMUNION

   It is a custom in this community to affirm our covenant with one another by sharing meals. We do this in many ways, including the Management Committee dinner at Karn Muller-Cleary’s, the reception for Judy and me at Christine Whelan’s, and the brunches after church at Café Byzantium. We eat well. May that continue.

   On Valentine’s Day, we share chocolate, knowing it stimulates our endorphins and helps us to feel valued and connected. It reminds us of the love we share with one another. (We also have some non-chocolate goodies for those who may be allergic or just don’t like chocolate. That is not heresy here!)

   While our Management Committee members pass the chocolate, we ask that you wait until all are served before eating. As you are waiting, you might want to meditate on what makes life sweet for you, what your Source offers you in these moments. There is plenty for all, so you can trust that you will get your share. That is part of the symbolism of communion. And if you want more than your share, maybe you would like to meditate upon that feeling as part of our religious community.

PRAYER: Source of Life and of Love, moving in and through this gathering today. Let us become aware of your presence and your power to comfort and to heal, to evoke joy and peace, and to bring us closer together as an inclusive and caring spiritual community. As we share in this chocolate communion, may our sense of blessing and being blessed increase, and may we deepen the covenant of our community by becoming more aware of the love we share together.

So Be It! Blessed Be!

READING from Mo-tse

When all the people of the world love,

Then the strong will not overpower the weak.

The many will not oppress the few.

The wealthy will not mock the poor.

The honored will not disdain the humble.

The cunning will not deceive the simple.

SERMON

   While we Unitarian Universalists do not worship saints, nor concern ourselves with hagiography, we - especially the Universalists among us - do acknowledge the power and the presence of love in the cosmos and the recognition of that love that St. Valentine’s day offers. This is a far cry from the commercial observance.

   Entering any variety store, grocery store, specialty store, we are assailed with an array of gifts to buy for our loved ones, especially gifts of candy, and, most especially, gifts of chocolate. Chocolate holds a special place among foods that express love. I have a friend in Michigan who was assigned to bring a dessert to a choir function. When asked if she would bring something chocolate, she replied, “IS there another flavor?” While my spouse assures me that vanilla is by far the biggest seller in shakes at Oregon State University, most of us also really enjoy chocolate - Why? Why do chocolate and love seem to go hand in hand?

   Those who study the chemical composition of foods and their effects on the brain offer some interesting answers. Not only do the sugar and caffeine in chocolate give us a natural jolt of energy, but other chemicals affect the brain by releasing endorphins which are natural pain killers. We have a natural, physiological reaction to chocolate. Chocolate, to put it simply, alters our mood. It literally makes us feel better. When we eat it, we feel a charge of energy and we feel less pain. What a wonderful substance! It may even be addictive. As a child, I learned to self-medicate with chocolate when the world felt too difficult and I needed to feel better. Chocolate can do that for us.

   What does this have to do with lust? Brain researchers learned that lust also stimulates our brain chemistry, creating anticipation, sharp focus of attention, and release from pain. They tell us that the chemicals that are released in the brain in anticipation of sex are the same as those released in the “fight or flight” response. We have a natural , physiological reaction to stimuli that excite us.

   Knowing this caused me to wonder if lust and war are linked in some basic chemical way in the brain. It may explain why rape is part of the process of war. Rape may be a natural chemical reaction in the brain to anticipation of and/or participation in battle. This does not make rape OK in any circumstances, but it may explain why rape occurs in war zones, and why some people become addicted to sex. Sexual release causes a release of chemicals that make a person feel better. Sex can be self-medication of sorts, as can any addictive substance. Lust, as mood alterer, may be addictive. Perhaps war can also be addictive. Now there’s a scary thought!

   What is addiction, anyway? It is an uncontrollable need for something which changes our brain chemistry. “ ‘Drugs of abuse increase the concentration of dopamine in the brain’s reward circuits,’ says Nora Volkow of Brookhaven National Lab.” (“How It All Starts inside Your Brain,” Newsweek, February 12, 2001. P.40.) Further, causes of addiction so alter our brain chemistry, that, eventually, we need more and more of the substance to feel good. “Chronic use produces enduring changes. The most important: it reduces the number of dopamine receptors.” (Ibid. p. 42.) That means it gets more and more difficult to get the same high.

   Not long ago, we thought of addictions in limited terms: alcohol, drugs, maybe nicotine. As we study addiction, we find that any substance or experience that alters our mood and takes control of our lives is addictive. This means that substances like chocolate may be mildly addictive. It also means that experiences like shopping, TV watching, sex, sports events - yes, even religious activities - may also be addictive. A lot depends upon the degree of change in brain chemistry.

   Uh, Oh! Is this the beginning of a diatribe to make us feel badly about everything that makes us feel better! Far from it! Rest assured that Unitarian Universalism does not espouse a Puritan approach to life that says whatever feels good must be bad for us and will send us straight to hell. As Universalists, we are committed to the notion of a God of Love (shades of St. Valentine) who does not consign anyone to everlasting damnation. We believe in life and life lived well - with relish! This means we can enjoy the substances and experiences that alter our mood.

   We also recognize that the difference between an addiction and a passion, as Anne Wilson Schaef notes, is that an addiction ultimately diminishes us and a passion enhances us. An addiction takes over our lives and makes us unable to enjoy them fully because the addiction becomes more important than the life process. A passion allows us to be creative and responsible elements in the whole of the life process, co-creating with all the rest of life.

   Addictions are the result of a “hole in the soul,” as John Bradshaw asserts. We may become addictive when we did not get our primary needs met as a child, and we are still searching for a mood alterer to heal that hole in our souls. Somehow, those of us who are addicted have lost awareness of healthy shame which recognizes our human limitations and can say, “I made a mistake.” We have been overwhelmed by litanies of our losses and lacks and come to believe that “I AM a mistake.”

   One solution to this hole in the soul is the healing power of love - the gift which Universalism asserts is present for each and every one of us. One of the great founders of Universalism in America, Hosea Ballou, wrote in A Treatise on Atonement (1805), “Oh, love, thou great physician of souls, what a work hast thou undertaken! All souls are thy patients; prosperous be thy labors, thou bruiser of the head of carnal mind.” ( p. 124.) Ballou understood how the healing power of love could fill the “hole in the soul” we may experience.

   Yes, we may need to recognize that we will never be loved as totally and completely as we want to be. No other human being can know us, our wants and needs, our level of awareness, our secret desires as completely as we would wish. As I noted last Sunday, we are always strangers to each other in many ways. That is why we are always disappointed with our parents - and/or our children: they can never meet our needs the way we want them to be met. No one can. Not our parents, not our children, not our spouses, not our churches, not our ministers, not our counselors. No one person can. Still, as committed Unitarian Universalists, we can form religious communities where we may meet each other and experience the healing power of love in sharing the discovery of power-from-within and power-with.

   What is love? For some of us, it may have become a dirty word that means someone else is asking us to meet all their needs. It may feel manipulative, impossible. It may mean we can’t be who we are because who we are isn’t exactly what the other needs. That is not love, however. That is something else, AND it is NOT love.

   As Universalists, love IS our concern, and love is not a fleeting reaction to stimuli. That is lust. Love is a choice. It is a choice to affirm the “power-within” each of us, the gifts that we bring to life, however different they may be from those of others. And it is a choice to acknowledge the “power-within” every other person and to be open to meeting that power with respect and responsibility that will allow for true “power-with.” This is a choice to emphasize the positive possibilities in oneself or another, rather than dwelling on the limitations and mistakes. We are all humanly limited. We all make mistakes. Love helps us to transcend that by working with our strengths and encouraging our creativity.

   M. Scott Peck defines love as an action coming out of “. . . the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” (The Road Less Traveled, p. 81) There is the potential for arrogance in this understanding of love, for one can set oneself above the other. To do that is to deny the possibility of love. This common misunderstanding of love can create dangers in relationship: unhealthy dependency, unnecessary self-sacrifice, and lack of boundaries. These are often mistaken for love. In contrast, Peck notes, real love takes attention, risks loss, risks independence, risks commitment, risks confrontation, is disciplined, and allows for separateness (Ibid., pp. 120-180.)

   This information is helpful when considering what love can do to heal us. Simple attention offers us the possibility of awareness of a process greater than ourselves that can fill the hole in the soul. While we are existentially alone, we are also existentially part of something much larger than ourselves. This paradox comes clearer to us as we open our attention to the whole - and the holiness of reality.

   Risking loss allows us to be realistic that we are the only person that we will never lose, AND we always gain something by connecting with, by meeting, another. Risking independence acknowledges that we need to be our own unique selves to be able to bring anything to love, and that we need to honor the independence of others. Risking commitment means that we agree to stay together through the misunderstanding that arises naturally from our differences and to emphasize the unity that brings us love. Risking confrontation means that we will accept the conflict that arises because we are different, and we will engage in compassionate confrontation, rather than denying our differences. Discipline allows us to remain steadfast through the confrontation and independence, acknowledging our separateness, yet believing that love offers a unity that is truly healing and holy. Just because someone thinks or believes differently than we do, does not make them wrong for themselves – or unlovable, nor does it make us unlovable.

   This kind of love is true give and take. It is not sacrificial and it is not selfish. It is something else; wishing the best for the other and for one’s self. It is open, rather than closed. Growing, rather than stagnant. Creative, rather than destructive. And gentle; it enhances us, rather than diminishes us. It is passion, rather than addiction. I believe it is the Universalist understanding of God.

   This is a delicate process, love. That is why I should like to offer my own understanding of love, as a committed Universalist. In my own theological terms, I believe love is a dynamic interchange of life energy that stimulates us to co-creativity with the whole of life’s energy. It is not only a choice and an act. It is an experience - an experience that enhances us, that transforms us for the better. It is not always easy, for it is often difficult to meet at the same level of awareness. Often we offer our love in terms that are negative and cry, “You aren’t meeting my needs, and you won’t change for me!” When we do this, we simply create a resistance in the other that diminishes both, rather than enhancing either.

   When we meet as separate people who have something worthy to offer each other, who believe that each is a precious spirit of inherent worth and dignity, we begin the process of finding love. When we struggle together to find the place where we can meet and interchange the energies of life, we release the healing power of love. When we commit to “be with” each other, encouraging the best in each while acknowledging our human limitations and the reality that we can never be congruent - and that it wouldn’t be healthy to be congruent - we can create an energy that heals us and moves beyond us to heal the world.

   That is another healing gift of love: it sets up an energy that offers healing and transformation to the world beyond itself. I remember a group of friends in my college dorm who intentionally learned to love one another, to accept and treasure each other for who they were, as different as they were. It was not easy. They took time to meet, to listen and to speak their own truths. They had to learn to appreciate differences and to value the spirit that unites. The result was that other people started to move into the dorm. Boy friends were attracted to the group (this was the era of sexual segregation in dorms). An energy moved out through the campus. A lot of creativity was released, and there was a festive mood around the group.

   That is the power of love: to heal, to transform, to give reason for celebration. It is an interchange that is committed to “being with” one another, encouraging the best while acknowledging human limitations. It is not the quick jolt of sugar, but a sustaining meal - not chocolate, but pasta or lobster and salad.

   Chocolate adds delight to our lives, even as lust does. Neither need be addictive when we also have access to the sustaining gift of love. In our religious community, our Purposes and Principles call us to “compassion in human relations; acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth,. . . and respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.” That is the essence of the healing gift of love. As committed Unitarian Universalists, may we give it to each other as often as possible, for we all want and need its nourishment. As the mystical humanist Universalist, Kenneth Patton suggests in his poem, “Our Connection”:

   Love is our connection with the creatures and the universe.

   Our sense of life tells us we are ourselves.

   Our sense of love tells us we are the universe.

   Our sense of life substantiates our local selves.

   Our sense of love substantiates our cosmic selves.

   Our sense of life assures our personal identities.

   Our sense of love assures our social identities, our human    oneness. (Patton, Hymns of Humanity, p. 93.)

I would add that our sense of life IS our sense of love for ourselves. May we, in our religious communities, create an environment where each of us may find the love of self and of all of life that heals the holes in our souls and offers us the understanding of God as co-creative love.

SO BE IT! BLESSED BE!