How many of us who are parents have said of our children, “I just want them to be happy”? I know I have, probably many times. And how many of us have reinforced that longing for happiness by reading and telling our children stories that, either explicitly as in fairy stories, or implicitly as in many more modern children’s stories, end in the message “and they lived happily ever after”? But what do we really mean when we say we want them to be happy; what do we mean by ‘happy ever after’?

Like many others, I’m pretty much a realist. I know that life has its ups and downs; I know that ‘into each life some rain must fall’, yet I still wish for happiness, for my children, my family, my friends and yes, for myself. However, I’ve never taken the time to think about what it is that I’m wishing for – or how useful it would be if our lives were always and unrelentingly happy.

I decided that it was time to have a look at the subject in a little more depth, and really started thinking hard about it – this, rather than action, being my initial approach to most things. However, I also went online in the library catalogue to see what I could find there. I discovered that there are 1658 books in the Auckland city libraries referencing happiness in their titles, so clearly a great number of people have given a great deal of thought to the topic. There were 982 titles in the Waitakere library system and I went along and discovered half a dozen that I thought might be of use to me.

Unfortunately, I happen to be a procrastinator extraordinaire – I would win prizes for procrastination – and by yesterday, when I had just three paragraphs sitting staring at me on my computer screen, I thought I might try cheating. So, I went to the UUA website (an extremely useful resource for those of us delivering services) to see if any kind soul had written a talk on happiness that they were willing to share. I was delighted! I found two sermons on the topic and as I started reading each of them my hopes rose that maybe I could simply read one of them to you today. Sadly, as I reached the end of first one and then the other, I realised that both of these promising sermons were written in support of the annual church canvass! We didn’t need a canvass sermon – Gretchen had delivered an excellent one of those for us, so both talks were out. What I did discover from reading them though, was that the writers of both sermons were espousing the view that there is more happiness to be gained from ‘giving’ than from ‘having’, a view that it seems to me is absolutely in line with Unitarian values.

While we often hope for happiness, and each of us probably has our own idea of what that might mean, it seemed that it might be useful to find a common meaning for this discussion. I decided to have a look at the thesaurus to see what synonyms I could find for that word ‘happiness’. It was an interesting mix: contentment, pleasure, gladness, cheerfulness, joy, glee, bliss, delight, exhilaration and ecstasy. I wonder if we’d really like to spend our lives in some of those states? Somehow the thought of being permanently in a state of glee or ecstasy sounds exhausting, while a life lived in bliss may be somewhat impractical. But seriously, when we wish for someone’s happiness, what do we have in mind? I’d guess that the words that would most probably spring to mind would be the first couple on that list, so I felt that they were worth having a closer look at.

It’s interesting that contentment is the first word on that list. When I think of contentment, it strikes me as a condition in which many of us would be delighted to live. It conjures up images of peace and restfulness, an acceptance of one’s life as it is, rather than a struggle to be someone we’re not. It’s a pleasant place to be, and it certainly has its place. But what if we were all content all the time? Surely most of the world’s great inventions have come about because of the unhappiness of some individuals with the way things are. If we’re entirely content with our lives as they are, where is the drive to achieve to come from? If I’m content with what I know right now, why would I feel any need to learn anything new? I rather like these words from M. Scott Peck: “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” It seems to me that, just as we need a little healthy stress in our lives to keep us motivated to do anything at all, we also need a little discontent to keep us moving forward. That’s not to belittle contentment – just to raise a flag, that an excess of contentment could easily slide into the preservation of the status quo at all costs. Maybe Albert Camus was describing contentment when he said: “But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?”

Then we have pleasure. Pleasure seems a little more active than contentment, don’t you think? While we tend to simply experience contentment, we usually actively take pleasure in or from something. And all of us have something that we take pleasure in – whether it’s listening to music, running marathons, spending time with friends or family, or spending time quietly on our own, we do these things and feel better for having done them. The problem with pleasure of course is that it can be overdone, and its pursuit can be damaging to both the pleasure seeker and those with whom they come into contact. I’m guessing that Christchurch’s boy racers are only looking for pleasure, as are those who take drugs, not to mention the compulsive shoppers among us, for whom every purchase is another attempt to create that pleasurable ‘buzz’. When we think of the excesses that such pleasure seeking can lead to, the words of John D Rockefeller ring true. He said: “I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure.”
And, speaking of rich – where does wealth come into the equation? Well, of course, as we all know now, it really doesn’t. More and more studies are showing that, as long as we have enough for our basic needs to be met, the acquisition of more money or belongings really doesn’t increase our happiness quotient. I rather like this quotation from Oliver Wendell Holmes: “The world has to learn that the actual pleasure derived from material things is of rather low quality on the whole and less even in quantity than it looks to those who have not tried it.”
But a life where we don’t seek endlessly to gratify ourselves, but where we take pleasure in the small things – where we delight in a walk along a beach, the laughter of a child, a beautiful piece of music or a meal shared with friends, that to me is a rich life indeed.
Over the last several years there’s been a move among psychologists and other social scientists towards studying what makes people happy and why. Numerous studies have been carried out and many papers and books have been written on the subject. This new focus has also led to a plethora of books written for the layperson, as well as websites on the internet, on how to achieve happiness for themselves. I have to say that some of these make achieving happiness seem like really, really hard work! I found one website ‘The Happiness Show’, which suggests that you can become happier by simply focusing on happiness. As an aid to this focus, they provide a list of 100 statements, which they suggest you read periodically. Somehow, I don’t think that reading such statements as: number 1. ‘Thinking about happiness makes me very happy.’ is really going to achieve that lofty goal, at least not for me! I have the whole list of 100 here, if any of you feel driven to make use of it.
The thing that bothers me most about many of the less thoughtful books about happiness, is that there seems to be a growing implication that negative emotions shouldn’t be experienced – that we somehow should be able to ‘overcome’ such feelings and return to our ideal happy state as quickly as possible. But sadness and other so-called negative emotions are a reality at some point in everyone’s life and surely a much healthier approach is to accept these emotions for what they are and allow ourselves to experience them, to live through them and to learn from them so that we can grow. I’m not talking about wallowing in self-pity, or simmering for days with anger, but I am talking about feeling the genuine emotion that wells up from somewhere deep inside us and accepting it as an important part of ourselves.
I haven’t even touched here on most of those synonyms for happiness that I mentioned earlier: glee – is there anything more gleeful than a baby’s laughter? Delight – looking up at the tree in my garden and suddenly realising that the flash of blue I can see is a kingfisher come visiting. Joy – a reunion with a loved one. Bliss – don’t laugh – climbing into a sinfully warm bed at the end of a cold day. Gladness – being in a position to help out someone you know needs that help.

In fact, what most of those books on happiness agree on, is that happiness comes from giving, not taking; from applying yourself to a task and achieving a goal, from appreciating each day as it comes and living it to the full, and from being kind to others and to yourself. I like these words from Dennis Waitely: Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.

So, do I still wish for this happiness for my children, my family, my friends and myself? Yes, indeed I do. .

And as for living happily ever after, I’ll leave you with these words from Margaret Bonnano:
“ It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis”

Christine Whelan